


In my Solar System you’re the Sun

by grasonas



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Related, M/M, POV Michael, mostly canon compliant up to 1x9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 16:22:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18703165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grasonas/pseuds/grasonas
Summary: “Loving you has always been easy, Alex. Not being able to be with you, was what hurt."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I started watching _Roswell New Mexico_ in January, I never expected to be punched in the feels by Malex like _this_ \- to the point where I'd _write fic_! I haven't written anything in over a decade! In fact, I'd made my peace with the idea that I just wasn't a writer a long time ago. Little did I know...
> 
> This fic's been an absolute joy to write, my eternal thanks go to [ViolettaValery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViolettaValery/pseuds/ViolettaValery) and [BlaiddDrwg1982](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlaiddDrwg1982/pseuds/BlaiddDrwg1982), who were so kind to beta for me and made sure my English (which is not my native language) didn't veer off too dramatically from general grammar rules. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> Title is from the _The Fallen State_ by Nova.

It started snowing around noon, and when Michael returned to the scrap yard at three in the afternoon in Sanders’ old tow truck, the Airstream and all its surroundings were already covered in an inch of snow. Michael sighed. The Airstream was an ok enough home during the warmer months, but he couldn’t afford gas to operate the trailer’s heating system at the moment, and it became increasingly uncomfortable spending the nights inside, especially since temperatures had started dropping considerably about a month ago.

He really had to think of a way to access the bunker below his trailer without having to move it every time before winter set in. Moving the Airstream would inevitably leave visible marks whenever it snowed, and he couldn’t risk his secret hide-out being detected. Not even Sanders was _that_ blind.

Secretly, Michael dreamed of using the bunker as a place to sleep. It didn’t have central heating, but one of the rooms had been intended as a dorm room; there were three built-in metal bunk beds placed on each side of the room. With his space heater and some extra blankets, it should be a little more comfortable than the Airstream at least.

For now, the trailer would have to do though, and to ensure the trailer wasn’t an actual cold store, he should plug in the space heater before he unloaded the car wreck from the back of the tow truck and call it a day.

He’d need to top up on acetone anyway, the cold was hell for his mangled hand, the dull pain an unpleasant reminder of what had happened a decade ago. His hand was the main reason why he hated winter. During the warmer months the chronic pain was somewhat manageable, but during winter months he needed almost twice as much acetone in order to keep the pain at a tolerable level. But just like gas for heating, the additional amount of nail polish remover wasn’t really in his budget right now.

“ _Good thing my wonderful foster families taught me everything about living on a tight budget and prioritizing drugs over food. Better hungry than in pain_ ”, he thought.

He looked at the sky and the swirl of snowflakes hitting the windshield. Dusk would settle in in about an hour, and he expected the snowfall to increase. Time to finish work before it got dark.

Michael put the truck in park, killed the engine and hopped out. Shit, it was really cold outside. He didn’t bother zipping up his jacket, even though the cold made him he shiver. He hunched his shoulders when he walked around the tow truck to get to his trailer, he heard something that sounded like a whine. Michael turned his head into the wind and listened. There it was again. That was definitely a whine, like someone was in pain?

Michael tried to get a fix on where the sound came from, and who or what caused it, but it took him a couple of minutes until he was able to locate the source. It came from underneath a pile of rusty metal rods someone had dropped haphazardly in a corner of the scrap yard. Going by the sound of it, it had to be an animal. An animal in distress. A dog maybe?

Michael reached out with his telekinesis, until he made out the shape of a body. “ _Yeah, too big for a cat_ ,” he thought. The whining didn’t sound like a wild animal though, definitely a dog; it should be safe to try and rescue the poor thing.

“Hey puppy! What are you doing under there, buddy? Isn’t it a bit cold to wander around the outskirts of town all alone on a day like this? How’d you even get here? And how’d you manage to find the most uncomfortable place to hide?”

The dog whined. Michael took a deep breath and reached out with his powers once more. In his mind he tried to map out the pile of iron jackstraws. He’d have to do some heavy lifting to get to the dog, but he couldn’t just leave it there. Not in these weather conditions, and especially not when it seemed to be injured.

Carefully he started to untangle the pile of sharp metal objects using his telekinesis, trying to make sure he didn’t drop anything by accident. Soon he was breathing heavily, his stomach roiling from the overuse of his powers, but he couldn't stop. The dog kept whining every now and then, and Michael just wanted to get it to safety.

When he’d dropped most of the metal rods in a new pile beside the old one, and the remaining rods were floating in mid-air, Michael finally managed to get a hold on the dog with his powers. He pulled it in his direction and all of a sudden it almost propelled itself right into his arms.

His powers were exhausted, and the dog had a harder impact on him than anticipated. Michael closed his eyes when he heard the sound of the floating metal rods come crashing down. He dropped to the ground in a heap, the dog cradled in his arms. He still somehow managed to contort his body into a position that wouldn’t make him land on the dog, though.

He needed a couple of minutes until a horrible wave of nausea had passed, and he fought back the urge to vomit. His mouth still tasted like bile when he finally felt strong enough to turn around, the dog safely wrapped in his embrace. They were both covered in a thin layer of snow, and Michael ran the fingers of his right hand through his hair to wipe some of it off.

Slowly he maneuvered himself into a halfway sitting position, until he managed to place the dog in his lap. It looked up at him with big whiskey-colored eyes. 

“ _We have the same eye color_ ”, he thought.

“Okay, so, I’m sorry for the unexpected experience of you basically flying into my arms, but I didn’t know how else to get you out safely. You okay, buddy?”

The dog shivered, but it continued to look at him with soulful eyes. All of a sudden, its face scrunched up before it let out a wet sneeze. Then it stuck out its tongue and started licking Michael’s chest, where the open V of his partially unbuttoned shirt revealed some skin and chest hair.

“Oh my god, what are you doing? That tickles!” Michael laughed, as he tried to hold the dog at arm's length to keep it from slobbering all over him.

“Yeah, buddy, you probably think it’s my fault that I didn’t fully button up this morning, huh.”

He smiled at the dog.

“My knowledge of dog breeds is not overly extensive, but from the looks of it, I’d say you're a beagle. And...,” his gaze dropped, “you’re a girl.”

The dog whined as if to confirm his observations.

“I know, holding you up like that can’t be very comfortable. Let’s get you inside and I'll take a closer look at you. I just want to check you for injuries, okay? It should also be warmer inside once I turn on the heater. Come on, girl.”

Carefully he tucked the dog close to his chest, even at the risk of being licked again, but he wanted to get out of the snow as fast as he could. It was freezing cold now, the wind had picked up, and he was still feeling weak.

He walked up to his trailer and unlocked the door with his mind, even though it made him nauseous again for a second. He really needed a good shot of acetone before he did anything else.

Once inside, he placed the dog on his bed, trying to make her a nest from his blanket and the pile of worn clothes that was piling up at the foot of his small bed. A good reminder he’d have to make a visit to the laundromat soon. He’d have to ask Sanders for some extra jobs to make money first though. He didn’t wish bad things to happen to anyone, but maybe the snow storm would give him an opportunity to fix some cars. Or at least change someone’s tires? Being so cash-strapped sucked.

The dog whimpered and curled up, but she kept looking at him with big eyes.

Michael opened one of the cabinet doors in the kitchen area, pulled out a bottle of nail polish remover, and downed the contents in one go. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the pain-relieving effect of the acetone wash over him.

When he opened his eyes, he felt much better. Time to take a look at the furry little lady who currently occupied his bed.

Opening another cabinet door, he pulled out the old space heater. He hooked it up to the power outlet near his bed and shortly after, a weak stream of lukewarm air hit him. He walked over to his bed and aimed the heater at the dog.

“See, sweetheart, that’s much better, right? Let me just switch on the lamp over there, and then I’ll take a look at you. I won’t hurt you, I promise, please don’t bite. Deal?”

He reached out to the dog with his right hand, and she sniffed his fingers. A moment later she began licking them.

“OK, I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a massive fan of the licking and the amount of dog spit you transfer in the process, but I have a feeling it’s your way of telling me you like me. Hopefully.”

He reached out further and started scratching her head. The dog seemed to enjoy the ministrations and visibly relaxed.

Michael continued to pet and scratch her while trying to see whether she had any visible injuries. To his relief, there was no blood matting her fur anywhere.

“I guess I should probably bring you to a vet, but I’m short on cash at the moment and couldn’t afford to pay for your treatment. You’re not wearing a collar either, so finding a potential owner that would pay isn’t an option. Maybe I could call Liz and ask her to come over? She’s not a doctor, but she works at the hospital. I'm sure she knows how to check for injuries,” he said to the dog, not expecting an answer.

“Oh, heck, I forgot her and Max went to Santa Fe for the weekend. They’re probably currently fucking and...”

He slapped his left hand across his mouth, eyes wide in faux shock.

“I’m so sorry, princess, I didn’t mean to be vulgar in front of you. It won’t happen again.”

He grinned.

“Alright, I can’t find any visible injuries, but I’d still like to make sure you’re not bleeding internally or something. You know what, I still can’t stand the guy, but I’ll call Valenti. He’s an actual doctor and should be able to determine whether you’re okay.”

Michael pulled out his phone and dialed Kyle’s number. He took a deep breath and waited. Soon enough the call was answered.

“Kyle Valenti’s phone, Alex Manes speaking.”

Michael almost dropped his phone in surprise. Why would Alex answer Kyle’s phone?

“Uhm, Alex? Michael here, is... is Valenti around? I need to talk to him for a second.”

“Guerin?”

Alex seemed as surprised as Michael felt.

“Yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to disturb your Project Shepherd play date, I just need to ask Valenti something.”

“I’m sorry, but he’s not here. We weren't on a play date either, Project Shepherd related or otherwise.”

Alex sounded annoyed.

“You just answered his phone, so he’s got to be somewhere nearby, wherever you guys are currently hanging out.”

“I’m home, at my cabin. Kyle was here earlier, but he must’ve forgotten his phone when he left. I only just found it when it started ringing.”

“You hanging out with Valenti outside of your alien hunting task force now? Not that it’s any of my business, but...”

Alex huffed.

“You’re right, Guerin, it really is none of your business.”

Michael closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Great. He hadn’t meant to be rude or annoy Alex, but something about Kyle just rubbed him the wrong way. Objectively he knew Kyle wasn’t the same homophobic bully he’d been at school anymore, and that he’d made amends. Michael, however, still recalled some of the clashes between him and Alex very vividly, and he hadn’t forgiven Valenti yet.

“Sorry, Alex, you’re right. I was just surprised you answered his phone, that’s all,” he said defensively.

He sighed. He felt incredibly tired all of a sudden. The heater was running on full blast, but it didn’t really get warm.

“What did you want from Kyle? Can I help instead?” Alex’s voice didn’t sound as cold and distant as before anymore.

“Uhm, I don’t know, actually. The thing is, I found a dog.”

Alex let out a surprised noise.

“You found a what?”

“A dog, seems to be rather young, probably still more of a puppy? She hid under a pile of metal rods and I had to use some special tricks to get her out from under there. I’ve examined her and can’t find any visible injuries, but I still want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Why did you call Valenti, though? Why don’t you bring her to a vet?”

Alex sounded confused.

Embarrassment crept into Michael’s voice.

“Well, I gave up on my side hustle after a _friend_ chastised me for being a _criminal_ , and I’m short on cash at the moment. Trying to become an honorable member of society means I can’t pay for the vet treatment. Valenti’s a doctor, worked as a trauma surgeon even. I’m sure he could examine a dog and say whether it has internal injuries.”

Alex had made a sound when Michael had made sure to pronounce the word friend in the most sarcastic way and Michael secretly felt pleased. Yes, it had been a petty thing to say, but he just couldn’t help himself.

It had been two weeks since Michael had opened up about everything, since he’d shown Alex the bunker and the console of his ship. Two weeks of radio silence. Not a single attempt at being _friends_ or getting to know each other like Alex himself had suggested. Captain Manes was taking his sweet time to think things through. Or maybe he’d thought things through and had just decided Michael wasn’t worth his time anymore and he forgot to tell Michael about it?

Fuck. He knew Alex well enough to understand that that would not be the reason why he hadn’t been in touch, but Michael was hurt and upset and talking to Alex didn’t exactly make things any better. He sat up a little straighter and pulled himself together, trying to make his voice sound unaffected, normal.

“Anyway, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll try and see whether I can catch Valenti on his landline. Bye!”

Michael just wanted the call to end.

“Guerin, wait! My expertise is more in the field of code-breaking, but I’m also a war vet, I’ve seen my fair share of injuries and examined comrades before emergency responders arrived. I could take a look at your dog.”

“She’s not _my_ dog, just a dog that I found.”

“Semantics, Guerin, semantics. Just...can you bring the dog over so I can take a look at it? I already took off the prosthetic because my leg hurts pretty bad today, and it would take me a while to get over to yours, especially in this weather.”

Michael closed his eyes, trying to make a decision. The heater worked hard to produce something resembling warm air, but it was still freezing cold in the trailer. The dog shivered ever so slightly (why was she even cold, she was wrapped in his blanket and his warmest clothes?) and Michael shivered in solidarity. He wanted to make sure she was ok, and who was he even kidding? The prospect of seeing Alex and maybe getting a chance to talk to him sent a jolt of hot-cold anxiety through Michael’s system.

“Alright, I’ll be there in 20.”

Michael ended the call before he could say something else or find an excuse to stay home. He buried his face in the soft fur of the dog’s neck for a moment and took a deep, calming breath.

“Guess we’re heading out for an unplanned adventure, sweetheart. What do you think, you want to call shotgun?”


	2. Chapter 2

Michael scooped up the dog wrapped in his blanket and carried her over to his car. Dusk was slowly settling in and the snowfall had intensified. He knew he could trust his truck to make it all the way across town and through the little wood to Alex’s cabin before driving conditions would become too bad. He placed the puppy on the passenger seat and closed the door.

He walked around his car, a gust of wind making him shiver when snowflakes were blown down the collar of his jacket. A guy like Valenti probably had a fancy designer scarf to keep him warm in these weather conditions. Michael huffed, annoyed at himself for thinking about Kyle again.

Why did he care about _Doctor_ Valenti? Or the fact he’d been over at Alex’s? He remembered how they used to be friends before puberty hit and Kyle turned into an unbearable asshole.

Michael was grateful for everything Kyle had done for Isobel, and he probably wasn’t as much of an asshole anymore, but Michael still didn’t like him. Or the fact that he spent time with Alex outside of their ridiculous alien project.

Who knew? An attractive guy with cheekbones as sharp as Valenti’s, it wouldn’t come as a total surprise that Alex would want to spend time with someone like him. A doctor. With a regular paycheck. A _human_ , someone who didn't have to sell stolen copper wire underhand to make ends meet, someone who hadn’t covered up more than one _death_ to keep a secret.

Michael kicked a pebble in anger and made it fly across the yard in an elegant curve before he climbed into the car. A second later the engine of the old truck roared to life.

“Let’s go, girl,” he said to the dog and hit the gas pedal.

The dog huffed, then tucked her snout underneath one of her front paws and closed her eyes.

She seemed to be comfortable, but Michael still felt the need to make her more comfortable. He grabbed the corner of the blanket and tucked it around her, making sure that, apart from her head, her body was neatly covered. Then he placed his good hand on top of her head and started playing with her silky ears. She seemed to enjoy that a lot and soon enough she drifted off to sleep.

Michael mostly drove on auto-pilot, carefully checking that he didn’t veer of the road. He almost missed the junction that lead to Alex’s cabin, the drifting snow now a white wall in front of him. He let out a sigh of relief when he finally made out a dim shimmer of light in the distance. There was the cabin. With Alex inside.

Michael sighed.

He tried to steel himself (his heart, mostly) for the upcoming encounter, and although he couldn’t make any promises, he would try to be mature about everything. Be a friend. God, that still stung. Of course he wanted to be friends with Alex. In fact, he’d considered himself to be his friend in the last decade. Well, sort of friend. Definitely not a stranger, more than an acquaintance. A lover. OK, ex-lover. Until recently anyway. Not a boyfriend, though. Never Alex’s boyfriend. Official boyfriend.

Boyfriend... That sounded like a descriptor that would’ve fit them a decade ago had Jesse Manes not interfered. That asshole hadn’t just destroyed Michael’s hand, he’d destroyed the prospect of Alex and Michael exploring how to be with one another.

And now, 10 years later, the use of the term _boyfriend_ wasn’t an option either.

They sure as hell weren’t boys anymore, so, after much consideration, that left him with just one option, the term _friend_. And he wanted to be friends with Alex. Real friends, who knew things about each other, big and small. Friends who trusted and cared about one another. No more (big) secrets. But he also wanted to be more than friends. Michael wanted to _be with_ Alex.

As his partner, or whatever. Alex’s _Significant Other_. He wanted to be with Alex Manes in every way possible, and it pained him to his core that this seemed further out of reach than ever. Michael’s head dropped on the steering wheel of his truck with a thump.

“Stop wallowing in self-pity, Guerin, time to face the music. Oh, and your _friend_ , Alex.”

He got out of the car, walked around the front and opened the passenger door. The dog was still asleep, snoring softly. Michael considered it a good sign. If she’d been in pain, she probably wouldn’t be so peaceful and relaxed.

He put his arms under the blanket nest and carefully scooped her into his arms. Walking up to the cabin, he closed the passenger door with his powers. He took another deep breath before he knocked on the cabin door.

Alex opened almost immediately, leaning heavily on both of his crutches. His prosthetic was not attached, his jeans neatly folded up to his knee, a white bandage covering the stump. Michael made an effort not to stare or ask about Alex’s pain.

“Come in, and fast, I’d rather the blizzard doesn’t enter with you,” Alex gestured for him to come inside and closed the door behind him.

Even from the short walk up to the cabin, Michael was covered in snowflakes from head to toe. Some even clung to his lashes. He blinked.

“Uhm, where do you want me to put her? She fell asleep on the ride over.”

He looked down at the dog with a soft smile.

Alex cleared his throat, but his voice was still a little rough when he spoke.

“Is... is that a beagle?”

Michael looked at him.

“Yeah, I think she’s a beagle. Why?”

Alex shook his head.

“Oh, nothing, seeing her just made me remember something someone said to me about a beagle recently.”

He moved forward and gestured at Michael to follow him.

“Let’s go into the kitchen. I’ve cleared the table, there’s better light than in the living room.”

Michael placed the sleeping dog in her blanket nest on the small kitchen table.

“She looks so cozy. Do we have to wake her up already?”

He worried his lower lip.

Alex looked down at the dog, then back up at Michael.

“We can let her sleep some more since she doesn’t seem to be in distress or pain right now. It’s warm and dry, and from the living room we can see when she wakes up.”

He gestured over to the sitting area. A blanket was flung over the back of the ratty couch, but Alex had lit a fire in the old fireplace and the cabin, small as it was, was deliciously warm and cozy. Michael took off his wet jacket and hung it over a kitchen chair. Alex still stood by his side. He turned to Michael.

“Can I offer you something? Tea or coffee? I don’t have booze, though.”

Michael rarely drank tea but the prospect of getting to hold a hot mug in his cold hands seemed enticing. He nodded.

“Just tell me where I can find tea bags and mugs and I’ll put the kettle on.”

Alex gestured at one of the hanging cabinets.

“Everything should be in there. If you don’t mind, I’ll go sit down in the living room, my leg’s been acting up today, must be the weather.”

He looked at Michael apologetically before he turned around and slowly limped over to the couch.

Michael averted his eyes and made himself useful in the little kitchen. Soon enough water boiled in the electric kettle, and Michael put teabags in two mismatching mugs, one with a faded **Sheriff Chaves County** logo, and the other with **UFO EMPORIUM** written across its front in bold letters.

Michael’s heart clenched painfully in his chest. Great. Of course, there had to be a reminder of how unabashedly happy he’d been allowed to feel at least once just before he’d have to face the love of his life in the other room. He looked around for a different mug, but there wasn’t one. His shoulders sagged and he took a steadying breath.

“There isn’t another mug. I’m sorry.”

Michael almost dropped the mug in question when he heard Alex’s voice coming from the other room. How had he even known what Michael was looking at? Time to find out. He steeled himself for whatever was going to happen now. One last look at the dog – still sleeping soundly – and he carried the two steaming mugs over to Alex.

He’d propped himself up on the sofa and pulled the blanket over his legs, his crutches stored beside the couch on the floor. Michael walked over to the single arm chair placed in a 90 degrees angle to the couch and set down the mugs on the couch table before he sat down.

“Yeah, the mug was a bit of a bummer, I’m not going to lie. Brought back some memories. Good and bad.”

Michael looked at Alex, who furrowed his brows.

“Did you ever regret coming to the UFO Emporium that day?”

Not the opening question he’d expected, but easy to answer. Michael shook his head.

“I regret an awful lot of things in my life, but coming to the UFO Emporium is not one of them. On the contrary. I will always be grateful that I was allowed to experience happiness on that level at least once in my life.”

He wasn’t sure whether he should’ve been _this_ honest, but he was tired, and he was tired of playing games. He didn’t want to hold back anymore, so he continued.

“Being with you, that day and any other time, will never be something I regret. For the longest time it’s given me purpose, and the prospect of seeing you again kept me going. It helped me to stay in Roswell and... pull through. Somehow.”

Alex turned to him, his face a mix of sadness and something resembling fury.

“ _Staying_? For almost a decade you’ve been building a fucking spaceship to _leave_ this planet Guerin. Clearly the prospect of seeing me isn’t something that would make you want to stay!”

The light in the living room was dim, and Michael wasn't sure, but it seemed like there were tears glistening in Alex’s eyes. His outburst seemed to come out of nowhere, and it was pretty unfair. Michael leaned forward to look at Alex more closely.

“Well, just two weeks ago you made it pretty clear that being with me is something _you_ don’t want anymore, Manes. It's also pretty bold of you to complain about _me_ possibly leaving, when that is the exact thing _you_ 've been doing for a decade. More than once, I might add.”

Michael took a steadying breath.

“You know what? It fucking hurts! Every single time, and more than I care to admit, but I’m trying my hardest to accept your decision and maybe one day, I’ll be able to move on. Not necessarily by taking off in a spaceship, but you know, moving on from you. Emotionally.”

Michael pinched the bridge of his nose. Using his powers for heavy lifting always gave him a bad headache and ripping open his emotional wounds made it worse. He looked at Alex.

“I don’t know why we’re even talking about this anyway. There’s still a large piece missing from the console, and I might never find it. So, it’s not like I’ll just take off and leave tomorrow.”

Michael’s voice was laced with frustration and he ran his hands through his curls a few times.

He heard more than that he saw Alex rummaging around beside the couch. When he felt a tap on his arm, he looked up. Alex was holding out a black backpack to him.

He took it.

“What is this?”

Alex took a deep breath.

“It’s for you. Or rather, it's yours. I found it a while ago and waited for the right moment to give it back to you.”

Michael’s heart clenched when he noticed the look on Alex’s face. He seemed... heartbroken.

Defeated.

Hopeless.

What could possibly be in the backpack that would make Alex look so sad?

“I’m not sure I should open the zipper when you look like I just killed a puppy.”

He peered over to the kitchen area with a quick glance to make sure the dog was still asleep. It hadn’t moved and he turned back to Alex when he heard a choked-up laugh coming from the couch.

“I wasn’t sure whether I should give it to you either, but after much consideration and debating with myself I decided you should at least know about it. What you’re going to do with that knowledge, the decisions you’ll make based on it, that’s not something I should have a say in. I don’t have the right to keep this from you any longer.”

Alex took a steadying breath, then he turned so he could look Michael in the eyes. He reached out for Michael’s bad hand on the armrest. He took it into his hands and Michael _felt_ the touch everywhere. It shook him to his core. He tried to breathe, but his lungs didn’t seem capable of expanding properly.

“Just before you open it, I would like to say a few things, if that’s ok with you?”

Alex’s brown eyes looked hopeful, but also like he expected Michael to reject his request. But Michael nodded. He wanted to hear what Alex had to say. Alex carefully squeezed Michael’s hand, but he wouldn’t let go of it when he spoke.

“I want you to know, that I never regretted anything we did either. The UFO Emporium and what happened right after is my happiest memory too, and it’s kept me going for many years. I know I’ve treated you badly in the past, recently even, leaving you, coming back, leaving again. I’m not proud of that and I’m sorry, Michael.”

Michael’s eyes went wide. There hadn’t been many incidents of Alex calling him Michael. Only four to be exact. Each of them had been a sacred memory for Michael for years. Alex continued.

“I... I have a lot of issues, as you probably know. Daddy issues, first and foremost. Although they can’t be an excuse for my behavior as an adult, they are a reason for how I behave. I guess a childhood like mine will do things to a person, set them up with patterns, how to deal with abandonment issues and whatnot. Growing up in my father’s house, my mom leaving when I was still young, being gay in a world where this automatically makes you a target for bullying, all of this had an effect on me and set me up with pretty crappy response patterns to emotionally stressful situations. That’s probably a reason why I became a code breaker. Computer code can be stressful, but it doesn’t make me emotional.”

Alex fingers stroked Michael’s hand ever so lightly.

“Being with you, whether it was just the two of us hanging out in high school, or us actually _being together_ , has always been _very_ emotional for me. I fell for you, hard and fast. And then you returned my feelings, and we got together, we _were_ together, in the most beautiful way imaginable. That day, up until the moment my father walked in on us, had been the happiest I’ve ever felt, either before or after.”

He took another steadying breath.

“And then it all went to shit when my dad showed up and did this to you.”

Alex lifted Michael’s scarred hand up and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. Every hair on Michael’s body stood up on end, goosebumps forming everywhere. No one had ever kissed anything better for him, and although he knew that it was impossible to actually kiss an old wound like his better, his hand hurt less all of a sudden. Like Alex’s kiss had breathed life back into it. Michael shivered.

“I know it wasn’t my fault, but it still made me feel guilty whenever we saw each other after it happened. Like I was indirectly responsible.”

Michael wanted to say something, but Alex shook his head ever so slightly before he continued.

“I joined the Air Force to get out of Roswell, away from my dad. But that wasn’t the only reason. It was also a way of keeping you safe from being targeted by him any further, and it served as my punishment and a reminder of what happened when I let anyone come too close, if I tried to be happy. I don’t want to make this a pity fest for myself, I just want you to know that I didn’t leave to punish _you_. I didn’t leave because I didn’t want to be with you. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you. The very opposite of all of this is true.”

Alex slowly put Michael’s hand down again and placed it on the armrest of Michael’s chair. Michael felt the loss of contact immediately. Alex took a sip from his tea before he spoke again.

“I don’t want to go into any more details, I’m sure you’re getting the picture. I’m pretty messed up at the moment. According to doctors I’ve adjusted to losing a limb in a war zone rather well, but whereas I might give the impression that I’ve got my shit together somehow, let me assure you, I don’t. I’m good at my job, one of the best even, I’m a decorated war hero, a veteran. But deep down, I’m still just a traumatized boy who’s scared of his dad and of losing people he dares to love.”

Michael swallowed hard around a lump in his throat. It was almost scary how similar their stories were, even though Michael had never come to know his dad, or anyone else taking on the role of a father figure. The only one coming close to it was Max perhaps, but his role was more that of an older brother, even though Michael thought Max only behaved like that because he was taller than Michael.

But Michael knew all too well what being traumatized felt like, and how abandonment issues could sometimes lead to shitty behavior. If that wasn’t the story of _his_ life.

Alex put his tea mug down on the table.

“Anyway, I just want you to know, that I’ve been working on getting better lately. Better at being myself, better at treating others, better at being with other people. I had a lot of time to think since we talked, since you trusted me with your life by revealing your secrets.”

He made sure Michael looked him in the eyes before he continued.

“I’ve found a therapist I started working with. She’s not with the Air Force, I’d rather not risk my dad somehow becoming aware of it, you know? She’s specialized in working with abuse and trauma victims. I’ve been seeing her a couple of times so far, that’s why I’ve kept to myself, and haven’t gotten to the _let’s get to know each other_ thing I suggested. I wanted to establish a few rules with her before making yet another stupid mistake…”

Alex closed his eyes for a second, but then his intense focus was back on Michael.

“I just... Before you open that backpack, I want you to know that it’s never been my intention to hurt you, nor will it ever be in the future. I know I hurt you in the past, not only because you told me, but because I _saw_ it, every time I left, every time we reunited. I saw, and yet I left again. Always trying to rectify my actions somehow, always denying myself what I wanted most in the world.”

Alex’s eyes were shining with unshed tears now, but he looked determined to soldier through what he wanted to say. Literally.

"I promise, I’ll try and do better, I want to be better. You deserve better, Michael. So much better. You deserve the world, or I guess in your case, the whole damn universe.”

Alex’s voice broke and he choked up. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he looked at Michael with big, pleading eyes. Michael felt helpless in the face of seeing Alex like that.

“I... uhm, thank you,” Michael was at a loss for words, but he felt that if there’d ever be a chance of reconciling with Alex, it would be now. Time to be open up and be honest, all emotional cards on the table.

“I appreciate your apology, Alex. You leaving, leaving me, has always been the hardest and most painful thing for me. Especially since you usually left after an argument and I never knew if I’d get another chance at making things right, at talking to you again. It’s ripped my heart to shreds a million times.”

Alex made a sound, but Michael shook his head. It was his turn and Alex needed to hear this.

“Loving you has always been easy, Alex. Not being able to be with you, was what hurt. I’ve been trying my hardest to accept that you don’t feel the same way about me anymore, and it’s... devastating, to say the least.”

Alex’s head jerked up at that.

“I’ve never said I don’t feel the same way about you anymore!”

Michael looked at Alex, furrowing his brow. He was genuinely confused now. 

“Just two weeks ago you made it clear, that your love for me was a thing in the past, that you _loved_ me, past tense, and that you’d rather be _friends_ instead. Then not even that happened, because I didn’t see you again after I revealed another big secret about myself to you. I’m not sure what other conclusion I was supposed to come to after all of that?”

Alex ran his hands through his hair. He looked exasperated.

“Oh, excuse me, Michael “ _I never look away - not really_ , but by the way, I’m an _alien_ , and look, here’s the console of the _spaceship_ I’ve been trying to build for years so I can _leave_ this goddamn planet and you behind” Guerin. Sorry I needed time to _think_ after you dropped all these bombs on me. I had to… I don’t know, make a decision? A decision that kills me, but I realized it’s the right thing to do. I know, I’m not exactly in the position to be mad at you for wanting to leave, when that’s the exact thing I did to you over and over again over the years. But I hope you understand that everything I learned that day was just... a lot.”

Alex wasn’t crying anymore, but there was still a single tear clinging to one of his lashes. He sighed.

“Please, just, open the backpack, Guerin.”

Michael huffed.

“Oh, I see, enough with the emotions already, we’re back to you calling me _Guerin_. Fine. Your command is not necessarily my wish, but I’ll do it anyway, _Captain_ Manes.”

Michael rolled his eyes at Alex for a moment, before he pulled the backpack into his lap and fumbled around to find the zipper. When he finally managed to open the main compartment, he nearly dropped the backpack on the floor when he saw what was inside. It was what looked an awful lot like the missing and final piece of the command console. His heart dropped and his hands started shaking. His voice was hoarse, and he barely managed to get the words out.

“So... is this your parting gift to me? You’re sending me away? A _goodbye-to-go_? Is that what this means?”

Alex wiped at his wet eyes. He shook his head.

“Of course I’m not sending you away, Michael! God, why do we keep talking past each other? What I’m doing, or rather trying to do is giving you the _choice_ to leave, I’m _not_ sending you away. You’ve been working on this spaceship most of your adult life. From what I understand, you’ve been yearning to leave, to find _your_ people, your _family_ , a place where you feel like you belong. How could I keep that from you when it was in my power to help make it happen?”

Alex fell silent. He looked at Michael, pleading with him to understand what he meant. Michael’s thoughts were racing until all of a sudden, a million little pieces fell into place and made sense to him. He let out a deep breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding. His heart was beating like a drum, but looking into Alex’s eyes was everything he needed to see. It calmed him down, the iron fist in his chest gradually unclenching.

“Alex, there’s already people I consider _mine_ on this planet. We might not be blood-related, although maybe it’s time to figure that out, but no matter what, they are my family. I wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ leave them behind. They’re all I’ve got.”

Alex reached out for him, and Michael took his hand into his.

"And just to make this unmistakably clear, there’s a place where I’ve felt like I belong from the day I felt brave enough to kiss him. It’s you, Alex. You are and always have been my home, my guiding star, the sun of my solar system. Whatever is out there,” he gestured at the ceiling of the cabin, “none of that could ever compare to how I feel when I’m with you.”

A single tear rolled down Alex’s cheek.

“Oh my god, Guerin,” he stopped himself, then continued, softer, “Michael. This has got to be the most poetic declaration of love anyone has ever received.”

Michael blushed and he dropped his head in embarrassment. He’d gotten carried away by his emotions. Again. Even though he thought he’d read something else in Alex’s eyes, he’d been rejected. Again. Alex reached out to him and placed a hand on Michael’s arm.

“Michael.”

Alex’s voice was unbearably soft. Michael couldn’t bring himself to look at him because seeing pity on Alex’s face would destroy the last bit of hope Michael had left.

“Michael, please look at me.”

Michael had never been good at denying Alex anything. Not even in this moment when he felt so anxious and frail, close to shattering. Slowly he turned around, his head still bowed. He felt Alex’s hand on his chin, coaxing him into finally looking him in the eyes. What he saw took his breath away.

Alex’s eyes were shining. With tears, but also _love_. Michael felt his entire being consumed by it, his broken heart slowly knitting its raw edges together.

“Michael Guerin, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put into words how I truly feel about you, to describe how vast and deep my love for you goes, but I do love you. With my whole heart, my whole _being_. I love you and I know I will never love anyone else like I love you. Whether you decide to stay or leave, just know that my love will always be something you can be sure of. I’ll always be your home, your safe haven. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. Ever again. Even though I probably don’t deserve another chance, I want a chance. I want it all. I want you. Us. Together.”

There wasn’t anything Michael could possibly say in response. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to revel in the feeling of being _loved_ by Alex. How was it even possible that his world had been turned upside down and three times sideways in the span of less than half an hour?

He’d arrived at the cabin with a glimmer of hope and not much else. And now it seemed like there was a door opening to something much brighter, a future with Alex in it. The prospect of _being_ with Alex. Although maybe he should slow down, tone down his expectations. They still hadn’t talked things through, and he knew there had to be more talking. They had to make sure they wouldn’t screw this up. Michael knew that that would break him in a way he wouldn’t be able to recover from.

He was also just so tired of misunderstandings, of assuming. In order for them to work, he’d also have to make clear what _he_ wanted. There were things he’d have to apologize for. He’d have to make amends, try and find a way to deal with his trauma and get better.

But all in due time. Right now, he just needed to be closer to Alex. He stood up and knelt down in front of the sofa. Alex turned around, placing his left foot on the floor. Michael looked up into Alex’s shining eyes and then they fell into each other’s arms and simply held on for dear life.

They didn’t kiss. This wasn’t a moment for kissing. They needed to hold on tight though, to make sure the other was really _there_. Breathing each other in, Michael felt a bond between them strengthening, one that had been stretched thin, close to the point of snapping. Too close, and they both knew it.

After what felt like half an eternity, Michael’s knees started hurting from kneeling on the hardwood floor. He pulled back a little until he was able to look at Alex.

“I... I’m still at a loss for words to be honest. You just gave me the most amazing gift I’ve ever received in my life and I want to keep kneeling here and thank you, but I also know there’s a lot more talking we have to do.”

Alex’s face had slowly closed off while Michael talked.

“What is it, Alex? I can see that you think I said one thing, and I’m sure I didn’t mean what you think.”

Alex blushed and dipped his head in embarrassment.

“I know it’s dumb, but I thought after telling you how I feel you’d say something about us, and not the _gift_ I gave you earlier. But of course, that’s important to you, it’s just my stupid insecurity making this about me, when this is about you.”

Michael unwrapped his arms from around Alex’s shoulders and cupped his face in both of his hands. Then he made Alex look at him.

“Alex Manes, you are not dumb. You’re just not quite attuned to speaking _Guerin_ fluently. I’m sure you’ll get there eventually, but for now let me help and serve as your interpreter. When I spoke of _the most amazing gift I’ve ever received_ , I didn’t mean the part of the console you gave me earlier. I’m honestly not interested in that at all right now. You want to know what gift I was talking about?”

Alex blushed some more and tried to avert his gaze, but Michael wouldn’t let him.

“Please, Alex, look at me. I was talking about _you_. About what you said to me. About your offer, your promise to be with me. About the fact that you told me you love me. This is, without a doubt, the greatest gift I’ve ever received, and I’ll cherish it for as long as you’ll let me. And by that I mean: until the day I die. I love you, Alex, with all my alien heart, with my mind, my body, my soul. I don’t know how not to love you. I never have.”

Michael placed a hand over Alex’s heart.

“Whether I’ll manage to build an actual functioning space ship one day is yet to be seen, but you forgot about the most important part. About who you are. _What_ you are. Apart from being a code breaker, you’re also a fucking badass _pilot_ , Alex! Who do you think I’d ask to come with me, who I’d make the _Captain_ of my ship?”

Alex burst out laughing. It was a wet little laugh, his eyes glistening with tears once more, but he laughed. Michael looked at Alex, the man he'd been born to love, the man who loved _him_ , and he finally closed the gap between them and kissed Alex. And Alex kissed back with everything he had.

They kept kissing for a long time. Slowly, without haste, sometimes their lips would just align without any pressure and they would keep breathing the same air before they went back to mapping each other’s mouths with their tongues, joyfully exploring and reacquainting themselves with the other.

A soft little _woof_ was what finally made them aware of their surroundings again. Michael had almost forgotten about the dog. Well, not almost, he _had_ forgotten about the dog, but he thought he might be forgiven. After all, it didn’t happen every day that a most ardent wish got fulfilled.

Carefully Michael untangled himself from Alex’s embrace and placed a final peck on the tip of his nose before he got up and walked over to the kitchen table. The dog had tilted up her head and followed his movement with her eyes.

“Well, look who woke up from her nap? Such a good girl, my little princess, how are you?”

The puppy yipped, and Michael petted her head. She closed her eyes in bliss. Michael looked over his shoulder to Alex.

“Can puppies purr? I swear she makes like a little purring sound.”

Alex had picked up his crutches from the floor and heaved himself off the couch into a standing position. Slowly he limped over to where Michael was still petting the dog’s head.

“I wouldn’t put it past her to purr. You give excellent head scratches.”

Michael looked at Alex, and the widest grin spread across his face.

“You mean I could make _you_ purr?”

Alex ducked his head and tried to veer away from the direction their conversation was taking. There’d be time for that. Much later.

“She’s adorable, purr or no purr. Let’s get to some more practical things first though. I’d like to examine her, just to make sure she’s ok. Maybe we should give her some water, or did she drink something over at yours?”

Michael looked guilty.

“Uhm, no, that didn’t come up, we were only in the trailer for a couple of minutes. I topped up on acetone after the heavy lifting, but she didn’t get anything. I’m a terrible host.”

Alex placed an affectionate kiss on Michael’s cheek.

“You are forgiven, by the looks of it.”

The puppy had started licking Michael’s hand. He snorted.

“She really has a thing for slobbering all over me. Guess that’s her way of giving kisses. We’ll have to work on that though, princess. You’re using a little too much tongue.”

Alex pulled one of the kitchen chairs closer to sit down.

“There’s a cereal bowl in the cupboard over there. If you fill it with water, she should be able to drink. Right sweetheart?”

He held is hand close to the puppy’s snout and she abandoned Michael to sniff at it. She seemed to like what she smelled because she started to get up and tried to get into Alex’s lap. Michael had just wrapped the blanket around her a little too tight, and she struggled to get free. She looked at Alex, then at the blanket, a look of utter betrayal forming on her face. Alex laughed.

“Oh my, come here, sweetheart, let me help you.”

Alex unwrapped the puppy burrito and she was so eager to get to him, she almost tumbled into Alex’s lap, her tail wagging with fervor. As soon as her butt plopped down in his lap, she started licking his chin. Alex laughed.

“She really has a thing for using her tongue to give sponge baths. Yes, you’re a good girl. The best girl. Now let me take a look at you, honey.”

Alex examined the puppy best as he could, given that she continued to wriggle around in his lap. He scanned her limbs, her stomach, her back, but no matter where he applied some pressure to see whether she’d react with a painful yelp, nothing happened. She seemed fine, most likely she’d just been scared and exhausted when Michael found her.

“I’d still like to take you to a vet for a proper check-up when the storm is over, sweetheart, but I think you’re fine. Yes you are!”

The puppy planted another dog kiss on Alex’s chin, then she curled up in his lap and enjoyed being petted by him.

“We can’t keep calling her princess or sweetheart, Michael, she needs a name.”

Michael looked at Alex. It was still so new for Alex to call him by his first name, but he already loved it. He nodded.

“Go ahead and give her a name then.”

Alex was surprised.

“Don’t you think about keeping her?”

Michael shook his head.

“On the scrap yard? In my trailer with no proper heating? Not the ideal place to raise a dog. I mean, I have a pretty good _Godfather_ impression in my repertoire, but can you see me as the _Dogfather_?”

Alex laughed.

“You know what, actually, I can. You’d pretend you’re this super strict dog owner, but secretly she’d know how to wrap you around her little paws. You’d definitely be the softest Dogfather.”

Michael huffed.

“What? I’d be so tough. Like, she’d know immediately who’s the boss!”

Alex nodded in faux approval.

“ _Sure_.”

Michael laughed.

“Wow, you’re so convincing. Makes me feel so much better about myself. You still haven’t picked a name for her though.”

Alex looked down at the dog in his lap. His heart visibly melted at the sight of her.

“We don’t even know where she’s from, whether she’s chipped or anything. I can’t give her a name, maybe she already has one?”

Michael smiled.

“Then give her one just for tonight.”

Michael saw how Alex struggled to make a decision, how afraid he was to get attached to the dog, only to learn she might not be available for adoption later. The moment Alex made a decision, though, it was written all over his face. Michael secretly called it Alex's _determined face_. The face of a man going into battle.

“Ok, I'll do it. Oddly enough, I picked a name in case I'd ever get a beagle a while ago. Looking at her now, it fits her perfectly. What do you say, Bagel?”

Michael laughed so hard, tears started streaming down his face. Alex chimed in, and Bagel looked back and forth between both men. Eventually, Michael calmed down enough to speak.

“I can't believe you'd name a beagle Bagel, but you know what, I think it's perfect for her!”

He wiped at his eyes and face, and asked “Are you going to take her to the vet tomorrow?”

Alex nodded.

“The weather forecast said it'll stop snowing in the morning. If the roads are clear, I’ll take her to Dr. Bloom. Make sure she’s ok, get her shots and find out if she's chipped. Whoever left her outside in this weather all on her own shouldn't be allowed to take care of a dog. Should anyone claim ownership, I'll fight them for custody if necessary.”

He looked down at the dog.

“You can count on me, Bagel!”

Alex's cheeks were flushed, and he looked so earnest, Michael's heart grew three sizes. That right there was a man who’d gone through hell more than once. As a result, he'd denied himself the right to love and be loved for far too long. But that was over now. It seemed like Alex really meant what he'd told Michael earlier. That he wanted to be better. Tonight Alex Manes had allowed _love_ back into his life, in more than one way.

Michael kept looking at Alex, who’d hugged Bagel close to his chest. His eyes met Michael's, and the most beautiful smile spread across his face.

“You can count on me, too, Michael. I’ll never look away. Not ever again.”

Michael felt Alex's love thaw another layer of wariness, as worry melted away. He knew that Alex hadn't just confessed his love again, he'd made a promise. And Michael knew in his heart and soul that Alex would keep this promise. He wouldn't leave Michael again.

Michael walked over to Alex, bent down and sealed Alex's promise with one of his own in a long and deep kiss.

It would take time to work things out between them if they wanted to make it work. They were both emotionally fragile at the moment, prone to falling back into harmful patterns if they weren't careful. They'd need to talk more; in fact they'd have to start having regular conversations. There’d be decisions to make, and battles to fight. But after today, Michael no longer dreaded the future, since they’d do it all _together_. 

In this very moment, Michael was _home_ , and he’d never felt better in his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. ♥
> 
> You can find me on Twitter (grasonas) and Tumblr (gra-sonas).

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! ♥
> 
> You can also find me on Tumblr (gra-sonas << mind the hyphen!) or Twitter (@grasonas).


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